Archive for January, 2009

30th January
2009
written by Jeff

Cat ScrabbleLanguage is our friend. It helps us to curse at people and say sarcastic things behind their backs. It gives us the ability to tell our children how much they’ve disappointed us and our partners that our love for them has grown dry like a cactus in the heart of the desert. See how poetic that is!

Language is so important, in fact, that people have formed groups to protect it. In the case of one town in Great Britain, they have run afoul of the Apostrophe Protection Society even though their decision to remove the vile punctuation mark from their street signs got the approval of both the Plain English Society and Plain Language Commission.

I’m sure your thinking, “Jesus, Jeff, what did the apostrophe ever do to you?” Well, I’ll tell you, that damn punctuation mark KILLED MY BROTHER!

Ok, that’s not true, but it sounds better than telling you the truth – I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO READ!

Anyway, with all these language societies and me being a giant word nerd, I thought it might be a good idea to tell you about some pertinent articles written by and talks given by language groups that may help you to better appreciate words and stuffs.

Freelipses: Leaving Your Reader Hanging While Setting Them Free

A is For Everything

A,B,C,D Eat My Shorts: How Fascist Conformists Force the Alphabet on Us All (by Alphabet City, the radical wing of the militant Spell Free or Die Society)

Semi-Colons Are Punctuation Marks Too; The Colon’s Sad Little Step Brother and Why He Needs You

Periods: A Man’s Guide to a Woman’s Punctuation Mark

The Dangling Participle and You

The Umlat – It’s Not Just for the Filthy, Filthy Germans

Being Past Perfect: You Had Thought You Knew Everything About This Tense

Yo Soy El Tilde: El Tilde is Spanish for…The Tilde

Who’s your buddy? Who’s your pal? I am. But really, I’m not. But language totally is! Remember that. Yeah, and don’t fear the reaper, which reminds me, why do blue oysters get their own cult? What the hell is so special about blue oysters anyway? I don’t even think they are real. Goddamn metal bands and their fancy spandex.

Anyway, now you have so new information so get out there and write. WRITE, YOU FOOLS!

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29th January
2009
written by Jeff

UPDATE: Thanks, Dwight Silverman (or dsilv as I like to call him), for the note that Rourke has backed out. I’d call him a wuss if I weren’t terrified of him.

I don’t watch wrestling, nor do I care about wrestling or even like to use the word “wrestle,” which makes me feel sort of wrestless…hmmm…anyway, Mickey Rourke told some dude from Extra that he is going to join Wrestlemaina in Houston (watch at the end of the video). WTF?

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29th January
2009
written by Jeff

She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thong

Cowboy ThongFor those who don’t know me or haven’t read my blog until recently, you probably don’t know of my love of Dear Abby. She is brilliant for so many reasons, but mainly because she deals with some of the most insane questions with dignity and just a hint of smart assery.

Today (speaking of assery), she revealed the results to the “survey” she did regarding thongs (chicks dig them – hooray!), but, more importantly cracked the case (get it!) on thongs and the men who love them.

First, there’s Dino (is it DEE-noh or DIE-noh like the thongasaurus rex?) from San Francisco who calls Abby “girl” and wears thongs under his “tight white jeans.” I think he likes the International Male catalog for the thongs AND the pretty pictures.

Then there’s STRUNG UP THE MIDDLE in Vegas (naturally) who likes to wear them under clothing and as “swimwear by my pool in the summer” which he says to close his letter “makes him…” and leaves us hanging just like the front of his banana hammock. My first thoughts were: Embarrassing, terrifying and/or that guy that makes people scream “DEAR GOD, MY EYES!!!”

Then we have CONFUSED from Virginia (I bet he’s confused if he’s in a thong in Virginia) who decided to try an experiment and see what all the fuss was about and now finds women’s undergarments sexy…TO WEAR.

This is like the guy I knew whose girlfriend left him for another woman after he insisted they have a three-way with her. THE MORAL: If you don’t want the answer, don’t ask the question.

Finally, my favorite.

Dear Abby:

I’m voting thongs down. I’m 62 and grew up in the ’50s and ’60s with three good-looking sisters who always wore pretty ladies’ nylon briefs.

All the girls wore them — Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Page, etc.

In the ’70s and ’80s girls adopted those ugly bikini panties, and now they’re wearing thongs? Abby, please urge them to adopt those pretty panties of the ’50s and ’60s again.

JACK in Brockton, Mass.

Since Abby didn’t respond directly to most of these letters, I’d like to take a crack (get it!) at this one.

Dear JACK,

It is certainly understandable that an older gentlemen such as yourself would be put off by modern women’s undergarments. It is also easy to understand that you like a certain style since they were considered attractive at the time you were growing up.

But, your first paragraph makes me wonder something, Jack. How can I put this? Hmmm…did you ever see Flowers in the Attic? If not, rent it because it’s like so awesome and stuff.

There’s this scene where a young, naked Kristy Swanson (she got naked when she was older to, for reference) is in the bathtub and she and her brother are locked in an attic, slowly being poisoned by their grandmother. Because they don’t know any better, they learn about love the old fashioned way – with each other – kinda like the royals in England. It’s just like Blue Lagoon, but without the menstrual scene…or the ocean…but with the incest.

Anyway, I’m not concerned that you noticed your sisters were attractive but rather interested in this story you started telling about three hot sisters in panties. I’m also worried about your health, Jack. Did you start writing a letter to the Penthouse Forum and then decided half way to write to Abby instead? I think you might be senile…or inbred…or perverted…or all three. I suggest you seek medical advice.

But, first, finish that hot story about you and your three sisters in nylon panties back in the 50’s tell me more about your feelings with regard to your sisters. I’m totally turned on by your incest orgy doing research on sexual perversions of decades gone by and you’re just the kinky weirdo subject I’ve been looking for to complete my brother-sister porn study.

kthxbye,

Jeff

Stop looking at me like that. You know you thought the same thing, perv.

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25th January
2009
written by Jeff

Recently, I made my first trip to Galveston since Hurricane Ike hit and I was surprised at how much was still left to be done. I really only visited the seawall and the Strand area, but both were deserted and the seawall did not look like the sewall I remembered. Gone were the piers and souvenir shops. Only a handful of stores and restaurants were open.

Here are some of the photos I took.

...and the sky is gray

Still Standing Strong

Caution Drop Off

Watermark

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23rd January
2009
written by Jeff

Stan: Well,how is it?
Ogre: It’s good.
Burke: Is it good or is it great?
Ogre: It’s good.
Stan: It’s just good then what the heck are they selling so many of them for?
Ogre: This why!
Burke: Uh,oh!
Stan: That’s my pie.

Cherry PieIn honor of National Pie Day, I give you the following poem which represents man’s struggle to find love in a world of sweet, sweet pie.

Swingin’ on the front porch
Swingin’ on the lawn
Swingin’ where we want
‘Cause there ain’t nobody home
Swingin’ to the left
And swingin’ to the right
If I think about baseball
I’ll swing all night yea
Swingin’ in the living room
Swingin’ in the kitchen
Most folks don’t ’cause
They’re too busy bitchin’
Swingin’ in there ’cause
She wanted me to feed her
So I mixed up the batter
And she licked the beater
I scream you scream
We all scream for her
Don’t even try ’cause
You can’t ignore her
She’s my cherry pie
Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good
Make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie oh yea
She’s my cherry pie
Put a smile on your face
Ten miles wide
Looks so good
Bring a tear to your eye
Sweet cherry pie
Swingin’ to the drums
Swingin’ to guitar
Swingin’ to the bass
In the back of my car
Ain’t got money
Ain’t got no gas
But we’ll get where
We’re goin’ if we
Swing real fast
I scream you scream
We all scream for her
Don’t even try ’cause
You can’t ignore her
Swing it! All night long,
Swing it!
Swing in the bathroom
Swingin’ on the floor
Swingin’ so hard
We forgot to lock the door
In walks her daddy
Standin’ six foot four
He said you ain’t gonna swing
With my daughter no more
She’s my cherry pie
Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good
Make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie oh yea
She’s my cherry pie
Put a smile on your face
Ten miles wide
Looks so good
Bring a tear to your eye
Sweet cherry pie
Sweet cherry pie

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