Archive for June, 2009
Where have I been? I haven’t posted here in almost a month and that makes Baby Jesus cry. At least, that’s what he told me when we were smoking peyote the other night. Ok, that wasn’t Jesus or a baby. It was this guy who sells me peyote. I think his name is Frank or Pierre or Johnny Red Bull or something like that.
Anyhoo, I need to get back into the swing of things – and by swing I don’t mean one of those sex contraptions they have in Thailand or Saigon or Beaumont, you weirdos. God, what am I going to do with you freaks if every time I mention “swing” or “porn” or “baby goats” or “church,” you get all pervy on me? Sheesh.
In lieu of my standard, “Hey, look at how awesome I am because I totally got a serious bid on my house and, if all goes well, I could be homeless by August!” I think I’ll pimp all you nerds for suggestions.
For those that don’t know, I have this rock and roll outfit (a band, not guyliner and a scarf, though I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you, hipster?) I play with and we are working on our third record. It will be released either end of this year or first of 2010 – no, we aren’t naming it Space Odyssey; that’s so nine years ago – and being typical musicians, we are broke and begging for money.
Here’s the deal. We’ve decided to do a kind of telethon/raffle/auction/sell your mom into slavery type deal to raise money for recording, but without the annoyingly dulcet tones of public radio harping on you to send in $20 to receive get one of the dusty autographed copy’s of Carl Kasell‘s autobiography he has sitting in like 50 boxes in his basement (just kidding, Carl – I love you!). In our little whatchamacrazy, we’re going to give you some primo shit that may or may not include peyote.
What I need is some help from you guys deciding on what to do for folks who are willing to pony up some dough – the weirder the better. For example, $250 gets you drunk on Lone Star at the Big Top with us and then we head to midtown to make fun of douchebags. Maybe for $100, we take a picture with you in front of the abandoned lot where Astroworld used to be and buy you lunch at Chili’s – if you’re lucky – then leave you on 610 with a cardboard sign that says “drive me home for sexy good time.”
The possibilities are endless.
You guys are the creative, nerdy types who live to come up with crazy shit like this, right? So, get crackin’! Come up with some crazy ways we can make like $5000 for our record. If you come up with a good one, we will thank you in our own “special” way if you know what I mean and I hope you do because I don’t have a clue what that means and I’ll need you to explain it to me.
Oh, and thanks for your help. You’re sweet and kinda cute. In fact, how YOU doin’?
I’m not sure why Jody at WheresMyDamnAnswer.com decided it would be a good idea to let me do a guest blog post for them. Maybe it was some fatalist sense of masochism or maybe she was trying to be optimistic. Either way, it’s trouble.
So, I gave them a blog post filled with stuff about vaginas and Lifetime Movies. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled. Here’s an excerpt.
Hello, ladies. Iâ€™m assuming you are all ladiesâ€¦and nakedâ€¦because it makes my writing so much easier. You know how they say if you are nervous, you should picture people in their underwear? I prefer to picture them naked with only bacon covering their privates. And thatâ€™s how I imagine all of you.
So,Â HI!Â Â Â Now that we have that out of the way, Iâ€™m really happy to be guest blogging for you today, so be a good class and sit up straight and all that.Â Donâ€™t make me crack you with the rulerâ€¦unless you like that sort of thing, perv.
I wanted to cover a topic I know you ladies all love: vaginas. No, wait, thatâ€™s something you allÂ have. Let me check my notesâ€¦
Seriously, it was an honor to be asked. Not to write it because, you know, that was work. But asking me was TOTALLY awesome!
When uploading something on Facebook today, I was confronted with this verify image:
Look, I think Elisha is as hot as anyone, but I’m not sure I’d make a religion out of her. Ok, maybe 5, 10 minutes tops.