Fashion Police

11th January
2010
written by Jeff

t-shirtI glanced at the good ol’ Chron.com this morning to see this story about how the Supreme Court decided not to weigh in on a case involving a high school boy who sued his school district because they would not allow him to wear t-shirts with political slogans on them including one that said “Freedom of Speech” An appellate court upheld the dress code saying it was meant to eliminate distractions.

This reminds me of my high school. The year after I graduated, the school enforced a hair length code for boys. I like to believe it was because of me and my spectacular mullet (it TOTALLY was)! A reasonable application of the rule would have allowed boys already in attendance with hair not meeting the school’s policy to keep it that way until graduation and enforce the rule on new incoming students. Within a couple years, everyone would be under that rule.

Of course, they didn’t do that and forced the code on everyone. A number of friends I knew at the school decided to shave their heads bald in protest. The school was appalled, but there was no rule against baldness.

Like in this case, my school cited “distraction” as the reason for putting a silly rule in place. Everything from hair touching your collar to facial hair on boys to shirts without collars to pants without belts to too much makeup on girls was a distraction. No shirts with messages. No tennis shoes without laces. No high heels. All of these things were a distraction to learning and were banned, which I find pretty hilarious since none of these things are nearly as distracting as most of the clothes we wore in the 80’s – shoulder pads and parachute pants…I rest my case.

So, in an effort to help our school system, I’ve come up with a list of items currently not banned that are more distracting than what is listed here. You can thank me later, schools of America.

Female Sexuality

What exactly is wrong with schools that don’t recognize that Catholic school girl uniforms are NOT a good idea as mode of dress for hormonal teenagers? For strippers or sexy Halloween costumes, sure, but not for teenage girls…who aren’t strippers or dressed for Halloween. Do none of the men or women making these decisions have sex? I’m sorry, what? Priests and nuns don’t have sex? Wow, who knew. Anyway, I recommend all cleavage, tight pants and skirts above the ankle be banned. “Bring back forehead hotness” should be the motto, like Victorian England with less plague.

Male Erections

While we’re on the topic, few things are funnier than a boy who can’t control his little Sergeant Major trying to hide a boner in class. I suggest all erections be banned immediately. Get an handle on Willie (no pun intended) or go home…and masturbate.

Obesity

Oh, man, nothing is a bigger (pun intended) and more awkward distraction than a REALLY fat kid who has trouble squeezing behind a desk or bumps into everyone in the hall. You want to make it easier on everyone, ban fat kids…and Twinkie’s.

Zits

You want kids to not pay attention, allow some poor schlub with a giant zit on his nose to come to school. Best way to handle that is to send him home with a medical absence until he can get that thing under control. If it’s acne, recommend home schooling.

Anyone in Any Group

The sportos and motor heads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads…they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude. Grace from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off sums up a major problem with high school: groups. I think all groups should be banned to avoid any, you know, fraternization or bonding. Perhaps putting every student in a cubicle to isolate them prepare them for their future jobs in the corporate world, which is what school is all about anyway. *humming God Bless America*

Pretty People

David Lee Roth was “Hot for Teacher” and girls in Indiana Jones swooned over Harrison Ford’s Dr. Jones. Best way to avoid this phenomena – along with blow jobs in the janitor closet – is to not ever hire pretty people or allow pretty people to attend school. They have so many advantages already, they don’t really need school. We all know this. I guess you could try to make them ugly with clothes and hair, but, frankly, that could be worse because they could go all hot librarian on you and you’re REALLY in trouble.

Ugly People

You also have to exclude the freakzoids because, Lord knows, you get some mangled weirdo in a classroom and everyone is going to stare. Don’t they have like special schools for them?

Writing Implements and Paper

Pencils are great for severing an artery in a gang fight, from what I’m told. Pens can be used to scrawl “Kill Vinod” into the desk of a classroom where the Pakistani teacher’s accent is so heavy, it makes learning Algebra impossible (true story, actually). Paper becomes spit wads and notes to be passed and origami, which is just stupid and frustrating when you spend all day trying to make this bird and the damn paper tears and all you can think is the only reason God even invented paper was to make you miserable and you want to burn down the forests and eat a gallon of Chubby Hubby…I’m sorry, what?

Lockers

Lockers are a great place to hide contraband. No need to search what isn’t there, right? Kids should just have a pouch for their essentials – glasses (not sexy glasses though), notepad made of wood since there is no paper, crayons – surgically attached to their arms. That seems TOTALLY reasonable.

Food

Ban hunger. I’m pretty sure this is something charities are already working towards and I find it a laudable goal.

History

History is controversial. All that slavery and war and Teapot Domes and stuff. Oh, and math, which is confusing and makes me want to hurt people, and science which requires cutting up stuff and chemicals that can singe off your eyebrows making you ugly (remember that rule?). You might want to eliminate Health and Wood Shop because one teaches sex and the other is a euphemism for sex. Get rid of any vocational training because of the tools, which can kill and dismember people. Music and art can go – no one gives a shit about that stuff anyway. English is fine, but no reading, just simple sentence diagrams, which were not created by Satan as previously thought. In fact, just eliminate subjects all together. Do they even teach subjects anymore anyway?

See how easy that is. All you’ll be left with is a room full of cubicles and perfectly average-looking people listening to lectures about standardized testing. It’s just as our founding fathers intended!

Post to Twitter Post to Delicious Post to Digg Post to Facebook Post to Reddit Post to StumbleUpon

6th April
2009
written by Jeff

Blow Up JacketHave you ever thought to yourself, “You know what would be AWESOME? Wearing someone’s skin.” Really, you have? Wow. You are a lot freakier than I thought you were. I kinda can’t even look at your right now. I’ll just look over here. Ok, that’s better.

Well, since you are weird, you’ll have something to add to your wish list this year: fashion made from blow up dolls.

What? You thought those dolls were just for your sad little sexual escapades that you don’t tell anyone about but all know you do? Well, think again Pervy McPerverson.

The designer is Sander Reijgers, which I assume is a fake name because I’m fairly certain that is the name of my Ikea coffee table. He’s from some place called Utrecht, which I thought was a car Volvo makes. Since he makes blow up doll clothing, I didn’t think it was strange that he lives in a car, but I’ve been told Utrecht is a city in the Netherlands, which also sounds like a made up place, but it shows up on a Google map and I failed geology, so what do I know?

But, seriously “The Netherlands?” Why not “The Nether Regions” or “Really Far Away” or “Not Remotely Close to You” or “We Suck at Naming Things, So We’re Just Going to Call This, Let’s Say, North Town Place Land Ville?”

Anyway, I guess this guy’s lifelong dream was to combine his two favorite things – blow jobs from balloons and clothing only crazy people will wear. What a break for him! And lord knows there is nothing more flattering to your head than a vagina hoodie.

Plus, there is the added bonus of people walking up to you on the street and saying, “Dude, that plastic jacket with the anus on the shoulder and the nipple on the chest is totally sweet!” Even better when you reveal to him that the nipple on your chest is your actual nipple and offer to let him blow on it for you. Oh, the fun!

Via Geekologie

Post to Twitter Post to Delicious Post to Digg Post to Facebook Post to Reddit Post to StumbleUpon

6th January
2009
written by Jeff

Nelson’s Father: Great game, son. I’m taking you to Hooters.
Nelson: Aw, I don’t want to bother Mom at work.

Hooters BirthdaySome work environments require women wear skirts that are at or below the knee or that men wear a tie. Some places have safety gear and work boots. Then there’s the beloved Hooters.

The Smoking Gun managed to procure the employee handbook for Hooters that includes their dress code and style guide. Let’s look inside, shall we?

Hooters offers its customers the look of the “All American Cheerleader, Surfer, Girl Next Door.” The essence of the Hooters Concept is entertainment through female sex appeal, of which the LOOK is a key part. When you are in the Hooters Girl Uniform you are literally playing a role; having been cast for that role, you must comply with the Image and Grooming Standards that the role requires.

Oh, where to start…

When Playboy referred to Playmates as “girls next door,” I never fully understood, because the girl that lived next door to me didn’t have size DD fake boobs and walk around without pants on…most of the time. The fact Hooters has added “All American Cheerleader” I guess helps slightly better define that look.

If the girl next door also happens to be a cheerleader, there is probably a greater chance she will be hot, have large breasts and perhaps galavant around sans undergarments. I have no idea how “surfer” made its way into this concept, but whatever.

More accurately, it describes Hooters Girls as “playing a role.” I think what they meant to say was “role playing” and I’m sure that role will be repeated all across America when wives and girlfriends are asked to don the uni for their partner’s birthday. Sure, it isn’t as sexy as an Arby’s uniform, but it’s something. Except, in this role, there won’t be chicken wings on the menu, if you know what I mean…ha ha ha…cough…ahem…

For you nerds, this may seem confusing because you don’t really understand why this is sexy or even what a Hooters girl might look like in real life. In that case, just replace “Hooters Girl Uniform” with “Princess Leia slave girl costume.” That should clear it up.

Make-up is to be worn always to best accentuate your features. Hooters Girls are to be camera-ready at all times. This is show business, just like the modeling industry. Make-up is not to be too extreme, nor too minimal.

Yes, this is EXACTLY like the modeling industry. Nothing says couture like hot pants and wife beaters!

Our LOOK is wholesome, yet sexy, and the uniform is athletic by design.

[…]

Excessively long nails distract from the wholesome look and will not be allowed.

The mention of “wholesome” comes up often. Maybe it was the fact I was raised by Puritans on a farm and taught that bare ankles were the tools of the devil, but it seems to me that the very IDEA of Hooters distracts from the wholesome look of women in general.

After I moved off the farm, I tried to learn about the ways of the world, so I worked for an Indonesian prostitution and crack ring. If there is one thing I learned from those crack whores, it’s that Hooters costumes sell because sex crazed freaks love to get their hot wings sauced by a Hooters girl…wink…wink…nudge…nudge, if you catch my drift…ahem…moving on.

Perhaps they are still under the same collective delusion that plagues the Catholic school system. After all, everyone knows how innocent and wholesome girls look in outfits co-opted by strippers and porn stars.

Only approved Orange Hooters Girl Shorts are to be worn, sized to fit, and should NOT BE SO TIGHT THAT THE BUTTOCKS SHOW.

I don’t make this stuff up. They want women in tight tank tops and short shorts, but GOD HELP US if the butt cheek comes out for some air. Cleavage is classy, but buttocks are, heavens to Betsy, scandalous!

Pantyhose are a required part of the uniform and are to be worn any time the Hooters Girl uniform is worn. The only color to be worn is Suntan. You may go a shade darker if your skin color is darker than the Suntan pantyhose color.

Seriously, who comes up with this crap? Pantyhose with short shorts? Add some leggings and roller skates and you’ve got a disco roller party! Nothing says classy like pantyhose and hot pants if by classy you mean hideously dated and depressing.

And Suntan color? SUNTAN? Words fail me, but this probably sums it up.

Approved name tags are to be worn at all times on the left side of the Hooters Girl uniform. No provocative nicknames allowed.

So, I’m assuming “Bitchcakes,” “Ho” and “Fuck Off” are probably not appropriate nicknames? What about stripper names like “Star” or “Chastity?” What if your parents named you “Vagina?” How would you handle that one? Because I know a girl named Vagina…or is it Veronica?

My favorite part is the agreement at the end.

I hereby acknowledge and affirm that I have read and understand The Company’s Non-Harassment Policy, that Hooters forbids harassment of any kind, and that I agree to notify company officials of any harassment complaints which I might have or of any discrimination or harassment by any employee that I become aware of.

…but

…the Hooters concept is based on female sex appeal and the work environment is one in which joking and innuendo based on female sex appeal is commonplace.

Perhaps they should have included the following examples for clarity:

Because the work environment is one of joking and innuendo based on female sex appeal, you may hear and be expected to respond to the following comments:

“Bring your Hooters over here, baby.”

“I need two pitchers of beer, or should I call them jugs?”

“Nice vagina.”

At the time of such comments, you may not respond with sarcastic or condescending remarks such as:

“Cram it, fat ass.”

“Quiet, needle dick.”

“One day, not this day, I will come for you and vengeance will be mine and it will be SWEET!”

Appropriate responses include:

“Aren’t you cute.”

“Hee hee.”

“Math is hard. Buy me something pretty.”

All that for a plate of crappy hot wings in a drafty ice house.

NOTE: In case you thought that Hooters was a bastion of all things wholesome and American, check out this story about a Hooters waitress fired because of bruises she received as the result of domestic violence. Hooters didn’t want to give her unemployment benefits saying she “abandoned” her job after being told she couldn’t work until the bruises healed. Way to go Hooters in Davenport, Iowa. Way to go.

Post to Twitter Post to Delicious Post to Digg Post to Facebook Post to Reddit Post to StumbleUpon