But, seriously, I’m blogging for you, my people! That’s how much I love and care for each and every one of you, except for you – you know who you are.

So, I saw this and had to post it. Apparently, in Wellington, New Zealand, a homeless man was found dead after a showing of Twilight: Eclipse. The authorities don’t consider the death suspicious, other than the fact that they found punctures on his neck and HIS BLOOD WAS MISSING!!! Kidding, but that would be crazy though, right?

What I want to highlight (literally) is the way the story was reported by Stuff.co.nz, which doesn’t appear to be affiliated with the half-naked girl magazine Stuff here in the US. Please note the sections in yellow below.

I’ll give you a moment to allow that to sink in. *whistles theme to Andy Griffith*

Ok, got it?

In a story about a man who DIED, there are plot synopses and box office statistics for the movie. I guess I could ALMOST get the reporting of box office numbers at the very end of the story (although those numbers preceded information about an 18-year-old man found dead on the same weekend), but to put the plot of the film right smack dab in the middle of a story about someone who died is really repulsive.

C’mon, Stuff.co.nz, you’re better than that. Or maybe you aren’t? I really don’t know as I don’t live there or read the stories and the only real connection I have to your island country is the Lord of the Rings movies, and that kind of makes it worse given how you allowed Mordor to exist and all and didn’t like even tell anyone.

Which reminds me, elves and trolls and dwarfs and wizards? Really, New Zealand? When were you going to tell the rest of the world about this stuff? I guess with all the death from the battle for middle earth, you feel the need to lighten up your news, hence the plot synopsis in the middle of a dead homeless guy story?

I’m sure you guys all find the whole vampire and werewolf thing silly anyway. I mean, even if they did exist, they’re no match for Gandalf.

What was I talking about? Oh, right…

So, this woman got preggers while her husband was off fighting a war, you know, for our freedom and all. When he returned and just blatantly assumed she had been sleeping around on him, she explained that she had been impregnated by aliens satanists 3D porn. And, can you believe the guy was suspicious at first? Jeez, his wife waits for him while he’s off killing terrorists and when he returns home to find his wife had a black baby (did I mention they were both white? no?) all he can think is that she’s cheated on him. The NERVE!!!

Finally, he realized the truth.

US military man Erick Jhonson came home from a stint in Iraq to find that his wife was pregnant. Clearly he assumed she had an affair, but his wife Jennifer claims the “other man” was actually someone a little less physical.

It seems he actually buys her story, however. “I see it as suspicious. The films in 3D are very real. With today’s technology, anything is possible,” he said.

What’s even more interesting is that both Jennifer and Erick are white, but the child is black. Jeniffer claims the kid looks like the black pornstar she had been ogling. She also claims this was one of the first times she’s watched porn and only went with friends for the 3D effect.

God, way to go, Erick! Just come home and blame your wife of diddling some guy from the gym or your best friend or some guy from church or, better yet, the guy from the guy, your best friend AND a guy from church. You’re so cynical. Look what the military has done to you. Even your wife can see it.

“Even though my husband believed in me, my marriage could be at risk,” Jennifer said. “But he knows I’m faithful.” It just shows you what joining the military does to your head.

Jennifer explained that “a month after watching the movie, I started feeling dizzy and the results were positive.”

SEE! How was she supposed to know that giant black penis on the screen was actually reaching into her vagina and filling her with babies? It happens ALL THE TIME! Just last week, I heard of a guy who had his kidney stolen at an IMAX movie. It’s called TECHNOLOGY, Erick!

All I can say to both of them is that I hope the baby isn’t an anime baby because those things are freaky. I’ve never seen one in person, but I’ve seen what they can do on screen and all I’m saying is that I don’t want the world to end because some anime baby gets mad and expands itself to swallow up the universe. Scientists have been warning us about such a thing for centuries and if women keep getting pregnant via 3D porn, it could happen, people.

By the way, if there is one thing I never want to see in my entire life, it’s a 3D penis, particularly on a giant screen. I don’t really want to see a 2D penis on a giant screen and 3D is like totally one worse than 2, which is, needless to say, terrifying. I thought the Human Centipede (I’m just telling you right now, do NOT click that link – you’ll thank me for that) freaked me out, and it totally does, but 3D penis seems much much worse. Although, having your mouth attached to someone’s butthole in the name of science is pretty bad too I guess.

(But not as bad as a 3D penis – *shudder*)

Rome decided to only let women callers through today and the hate mail and texts started pouring in. One guy said, “If I wanted to hear a woman squawk, he’s go home and listen to the wife.” Another chimed in about how Rome’s show was a safe haven away from his girl.

It should be noted that many of the callers on the Rome show are not all that interesting. The spend most of their time trying to hurl insults at fellow “clones” so that a select few will get invited to the annual “Smack Off.” Pretty stupid as a general rule, but occasionally entertaining.

For their part, the female callers were good. They talked a little sports. They took a few shots at male callers. Mostly, they were polite and competent – more than can be said for the average Rome caller. Rome’s personal take was in keeping with his personality. He admitted he loved spending time with his wife and even missed her when they were apart, consistent with what he has said about her on the show in the past.

All this got me to wondering: if women are so awful, why bother marrying them? Look, I totally understand wanting to have sex with women assuming you can roll your fat ass out of the lazy boy and wipe the chicken wing sauce off your face long enough to even attempt to pleasure one in the first place. But, if you really dislike being around them that much, why in God’s name would you marry one? What exactly is the point?

Maybe it’s social convention. Maybe it’s the fact that landing a woman might be the only shot you have at regular sex. Maybe you’re just a glutton for what you consider punishment.

Worst of all, maybe you want a kid. Seriously, if you hate the opposite gender enough to denigrate the one you chose to spend your miserable life with on a syndicated radio show – albeit anonymously – you do NOT need to breed. The last thing we need are little assholes running around with your disdain for the fairer sex.

Fortunately, I find this breed of “gentleman” rare, at least in my world. I, personally, happen to like hanging out with women. I count several among my dearest friends and consider them equally as close as my guy friends. My girlfriend is one of the most wonderful and fun people I’ve had the pleasure to meet. Like Rome, I really do enjoy her company and take every opportunity to avail myself of it.

Frankly, if I didn’t like a person, male or female, I just wouldn’t hang out with him/her. That doesn’t seem so difficult to me, but I guess the “clones” are too busy hosing down the decks with testosterone in an effort to impress other guys to think about it. Frankly, it sounds a little gay to me. Just sayin’.

Speakers Outside the Car

Apparently, some idiots really think we all want to hear their car audio selections. I completely understand people blaring loud music in their cars and even doing it with the windows open. I’ve done it. Still do on occasion. But, listen up, Casey Kasem, you may want all of us to hear your version of American Top 40, but if anyone wanted that, they’d put you on the radio instead of inside a vehicle where the rims are worth about three times as much as as your entire car.

And FYI, hip hop often gets a bad rap (get it?) for the thumping low end bumping out of cars with speakers on the inside, so how do you think people feel when it is at about 200 db outside your car? What I would love to do is find out where you live, equip my truck with PA speakers and drive by your house every day playing a selection of awesome tunes from Barry Manilow, Metallica and Celine Dion. Maybe you’d like it so much, you’d put it into your rotation.

“Would you like a sample?”

On my way into ghetto Kroger, I found myself having to walk around a barbecue pit manned by two older women in what appeared to be lab coats. They had blocked off half the entrance to the store so that there was very little room to get under the covered area, which was convenient on the first day of what I can only assume will be 40 days and 40 nights of rain considering the number of times local weather guys cut into the basketball game I was watching earlier.

Anyway, they were cooking up ribs and one of the women asked me if I would like a sample and said, “They’re good baby back ribs.” First, how does Kroger get away with selling the ribs from a baby’s back? That’s sick! Second, not that I’m weird about eating questionable meat off of a nasty looking grill in a grocery store parking lot, but seriously, I am especially when the person making them has to tell me “they’re good” as if to say, “I promise you won’t get sick much.” Lastly, what’s with the lab coats? Are you registered barbecue technicians or something?

Lost in Love

It was a very Air Supply Sunday in the Subway today. As I was ordering my ham and baby back rib sandwich (What? I like babies!), over the speakers came the familiar soft rock sounds of Air Supply. They wrote a lot of songs about love and my mom apparently liked all of them because I heard them a lot growing up. At Subway, I got “Lost in Love,” which is marginally better than “All Out of Love,” significantly cooler than “The One That You Love,” but not nearly the juggernaut that was “Making Love Out of Nothing at All,” which is totally hot.

“I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree.”

After hearing “The Joker” come out of my car stereo, I started thinking I need to start a regular post about things I consider underrated. Steve Miller is one of those. I’m not a big Miller fan, but the guy made some quality rock records in the 70’s, he’s from Texas and can you really ever dislike a guy who wants to loves womens’ peaches and just wants to “lovey dovey, lovey lovey dovey” all day long? I think not.

Jesus and Boz Scaggs

Best overheard conversation of the day thus far. A guy called in and won Boz Scaggs tickets from 107.5 FM K Hits. Here’s the content of that call:

DJ: You’ve just won Boz Scaggs tickets.
Caller: Thank you! I guess that’s what I get for getting up and going to church at 7am this morning.
DJ: Church always helps.
Caller (without missing a beat): Amen.

When I was in Austin on Saturday evening, I noticed the lack of decent restroom facilities along 6th Street. Sure, you could go into venues, but that was only if you had a wristband, knew the secret handshake or agreed to buy their discounted $40 beer. Fortunately for me, I only urinate when I’m angry.

At one point, I decided to take a breather and found a spot right behind the Texas Lottery building where there was an atrium and a nice table and chairs. I was the only genius who managed to find this place, so it was quiet and I got to chill for an hour.

I was chatting on the phone with a friend and describing the locale, which I said would make a good place to pee if you were a guy in a pinch. Mind you, I would NEVER do this more than three times in the same day, but the discussion continued on to the inevitable – would I defecate in this location as well?

Of course, there is no way I would, but I said that was because I would find it more embarrassing to be caught taking a crap than I would masturbating.

Then came the silence. “I’m sorry, what???” There was argument and debate and finally the decision that this probably only applied to me and I agreed to poll everyone and find out the answer because that’s what I do. I write about dildos and vagina tightening cream and light rock songs and masturbation.

Fact is, guys are kinda gross. We know this. As another female friend told me after washing her hands in the guys’ bathroom at a restaurant, “Boys are gross. Your bathrooms smell funny.” We know this. We don’t care. But, most guys are a little freaked out by public deuce dropping and not just the squatting in the park variety. Guys aren’t even real fond of having to sit in a stall. We are proud of our ability to pee standing up and we prefer to keep our other bodily evacuations to ourselves and the privacy of a bathroom well stocked with magazines, books and a television – what, you don’t have that?

Also, if you are caught masturbating, you can totally stop. Not so easy with the pooping. Bet you didn’t think of that, did you?

Anyway, here is the poll and I even divided it so that we can get a clear reading of both the men and the women on this one.

It should be noted that I would do neither in public because, well, I’m sane and not a hillbilly, but have fun voting!

Oh, and EXPLAIN YOURSELVES in comments.

During all these yard sales, I’ve found that you can expect some unique behavior from some of the, well, we’ll just call them customers. Much of this behavior is odd and some of it is downright call-the-white-coats bizarre. Here are a few conversations that occurred during or regarding my yard sale yesterday which, by the way, was a rousing success.

First, an email exchange with one potential “buyer”:

Email #1: How much are the cat carriers you are selling?
Response: It will vary from $5 to $10 depending on size and condition.

Email #2: Do you have photos?
Response: No, sorry.

Email #3: What condition are they in? What do they look like (can you just describe what they look like)? Or can you get me pics off Petco or Petsmart’s website? Where are you located?
Response: You’ll just need to come look for yourself in the morning. (ed – the address was in the ad)

Email #4: Ok, thanks for your response, but I’m too far from your location to just go by and “look for myself”. If you would be willing to provide more info, I will consider the drive.
Response: Sorry, I just don’t have the time necessary to do that before tomorrow. But, thanks.

Email #5: That’s fine. If you don’t sell them let me know the info and I’ll consider it.

FYI, we sold the cat carriers.

Here’s one with a guy that came about midway through the sale.

My Mom (to the guy buying the Aeros bobblehead): So, are you an Aeros fan?
Creepy Guy: No. I buy bobbleheads, cut the heads off and put them on sticks.

Um, ok.

One guy who just would not give up.

Guy: Do you have any guitars?
Me: No.
Guy: Do you have any stereos?
Me: No, everything we have is out.
Guy: Do you have any lawnmowers?
Me: Everything we have is out.
Guy: Do you have any…
Me: Seriously, if you don’t see it out here, it doesn’t exist.
Guy: Oh.

The price is wrong.

Woman (holding a brand new $80 bluetooth headset): How much for this?
Me: Twenty-five dollars.
Woman: Oh, will you take $5?
Me: It’s brand new in the box. It was $80 originally.
Woman: $6?

I was selling a bass guitar case that I didn’t need. It brought some interesting responses of which this was the best.

Man: Do you have the guitar that goes with this case?
Me: No. I’m just selling the case.
Man: Because the case is empty.
Me: I know.

I had an old set of golf clubs that belonged to my grandfather sitting out. One guy didn’t want the whole set.

Guy: Will you sell these clubs individually?
Me: Sure.
Guy: How much for the putter?
Me: How about $3?

He just set it down and made a face at me before walking away.

I had a nice Schwinn bike that I sold to my friend, Virginia, though she might be sharing it with our mutual friend, Jen, but that’s another story. Anyway, I could’ve sold that bike 20 times over at the sale. Here’s one guy who came by LATE in the day and really wanted it. Note that the bike was up on my back deck away from the sale and he just wandered up there.

Guy: You selling this bike?
Me: No, that’s already sold.
Guy: That’s a pretty nice bike.
Me: I know. A friend of mine bought it.
Guy: You take $20 for it?
Me: It’s already sold.
Guy: But, I have cash.
Me: It’s sold and I got more than $20 for it (ed – it sold for $50).
Guy: You take $30?
Me: It’s not for sale.
Guy: Ok.

The same guy strolled into the room in the back where we had a bunch of stuff set out. There were two rooms in there closed off – the bathroom and a back storage room that had all my stuff in it that I wasn’t selling.

He comes out of the room and says:

Guy: You aren’t selling anything in the back room?
Me: Which room?
Guy: The one back there (pointing to the right).
Me: You mean the one with the door closed?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: No, that’s my stuff. I’m not selling it, which is why I closed the door.
Guy: Oh, cause I would buy some of it from you.
Me: I’m sure you would, but no.
Guy: I’ve got cash.
Me: Not enough.

Finally, there was the woman who thought I was Wal-Mart.

Woman: Do you have any more of these (holding some linens)?
Me: No, sorry.
Woman: What about in the back?
Me (turning around and looking behind me): Back of what?

I should also mention that I put plywood up between my house and the neighbor’s fence across the driveway to block people from getting in before 7am – a necessary precaution.

By 6am, there were already three or four people standing on my neighbor’s lawn talking. By 6:45am, there were 20 people lined up ready to come in. I went out front and told some crazy woman to not park in front of my neighbor’s driveway. She just kept walking towards the house ignoring me, so I told her if she didn’t move her van, I was going to call a tow truck. There was space for her about 10 feet away.

When I did start taking down the boards, I told everyone to just give me a minute to get it all out of the way. One guy started to charge in and said, “Can I go now!?!” I said, “Just give me a minute to get the boards out of the way before they hurt someone, especially me.” He kept edging more inside by the second and I told him to wait at least two more times.

Finally, I let them in like a herd of buffalo at 7am.

Yard sales is crazy and I’m glad this one is over.

When I was in New York last year, a driver, clearly unhappy with the performance of the person in the car in front of him yelled out, “You drive like a bitch…(pause for effect)…FROM JERSEY!”

So, we all have our moments when anger overtakes us and we deliver our own version of “HULK ANGRY! HULK SMASH!” But, this guy takes the cake and the pie and every other dessert confection you can muster.

My good friend forwarded this to me (no edits – this is exactly how it appeared when sent). It was sent to the help desk of a software company due to some apparent issues the customer was having. Note the flawless use of grammar and how he describes the screen as a “he” and even quotes “him.”

Enjoy!

i don’t know what’s happening but i’m really piss off so fuck you you piecies of shit, sons of a whore, motherfuckers, i hate burocracy and that is what you are doing with this shit of a program, go fuck yourselfs, i don’t care if you going to get me a virus or try to revenge youre fucking idiots, and i can’t stand such stupid assholes anymore, i try to register in a blog wiht this shit of a program and it sent me to your fucking page of fucking log in because i wasn’t registerd i was sent to the register room, you fucks, and after i register in a million ways, with google(wich was pretty eaasy!) i went to your fucking room of register and it give me a message that i was using google, i turn google of, i go back again he says “you use capital letters or any other kind of letters so fuck off or use your mail wich it wont work or call us motherfuckers to see if we give a dam” so that was what i did, and i don’t care if youre going to fix this, fuck you sons of whores i hope your sons dye and your familyes burn in a wooden box full of shit and rats, and your dothers be raped, fuck you tu eternity, and be glad with your dicks uppered to your brains, kiss my ass with the best regards…

I’m glad he gives them his best regards. For a minute, I thought he meant ill of them.

Photo via PromotingLinux.com