The Idiot Box

5th February
2009
written by Jeff

JasmineI was flipping channels tonight and I came to this show on TLC called Heli-Loggers. Apparently, it’s about loggers…with helicopters…and I started to wonder, “Do we really need programming that is this narrowly focused?”

We already have Those Guys That Die on the Ocean, or whatever that show about crab hunters is called, an entire show about some dude who makes cakes that look like Jesus or race cars or vaginas, ESPN coverage of poker – only slightly more entertaining than the Paint Drying on Bare Walls channel – and entire networks dedicated to food, reality shows, game shows, cartoons, eco-friendly stuff and children who live in small cages. That last one might only be me since I get my cable from a service based in Malaysia.

Anyway, I started thinking, if we are going to get really into niche television shows, I’ve got a few ideas on how to really narrow the focus. So pay attention Comcast and/or DirecTV, here are a few to consider.

The Boy with Twelve Fingers

How often have you sat around and said, “How awesome would it be to have an extra finger?” let alone TWO. If they can have a show about a pregnant guy or little people or an alien puppet that likes to eat cats, how many people would totally watch a show about a boy with twelve fingers? I would just to see which finger he used to flip people off.

Suggested Network: TLC

The All Jasmine Guy Channel

Between episodes of A Different World and Dead Like Me, they could show screenings of film classics like Kla$h, Diamond Men and that trio of feminine movie titles, Madeline, Guinevere and Lillie. Now, THAT’S compelling television.

Suggested Network: it is a WHOLE channel!

Fun with Two Dollar Bills

Think Rachel Ray’s $40 A Day food show but with ONLY two dollar bills. Watch the looks on the faces of clerks as they try to figure out what the hell someone just handed them. Buy high dollar items like furs and cars with nothing but cases of our oddest currency. It’s like Jackass for accountants or that recycling place on 26th and Durham. Oh, the hilarity!

Suggested Network: CNBC

That Guy at the Bus Stop Who Smells Like Cabbage

How did he get to smell like that? Can he be washed off? Why does he ride the bus? Did I leave the oven on? Tune in each week to find out the answers. You know you’re curious.

Suggested Network: HBO (for the nudity)

Quick Random Movements

If there is one thing missing from television, it’s programming for cats. I asked my cats and they totally agree with me. I know this because when I asked them the question by meowing really loudly, they looked at me and sent one of their representatives across the room to bite me on the face. Clearly, the think I’m brilliant…and tasty.

Suggested Network: Animal Planet

Just a Pancake

At Christmas, they have a channel showing nothing but a burning fireplace. What about just a pancake sitting on a plate? Maybe they could play some 70’s porn music while pouring hot maple syrup over it. Mmmm…oh, yeah…ahem. I swear, IHOP, Denny’s and Aunt Jemima are lining up to sponsor this show already!

Suggested Network: The Food Network

Broadway Musicals About Gay Ninjas

Instead of black, they wear hot pink. Instead of deadly silence, they sing songs of triumph and despair. It would be like Rent, West Side Story and the South Pacific all rolled into one with the added bonus ruthless assassins. Plus, no dancing, just kung fu!

Suggested Network: Bravo

Pigs on Skis

For too long, the International Olympic Committee has thumbed its nose (or snout?) at important events like pig skiing. It’s time these graceful swine got their moment in the sun…or snow. And tune in week 3 when we find out if Wilbur places in the snow boarding freestyle jump competition. I’m giving 3:1 odds on the pot belly.

Suggested Network: Outdoor Living Network

Sarah Silverman Being Beaten with a Hammer

You KNOW you want to see this. Don’t deny it.

Suggested Network: Comedy Central or Fox Sports

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