Things I Love

26th March
2009
written by Jeff

Every Thursday, I post about the things that I love, and God only knows what those things might be.

Word ShirtAnyone who knows me has probably wanted to slap me in the face at least once for my prolific quoting of movies, lyrics, famous sayings, books, bathroom wall graffiti, dog barks, car alarms and other important noises.

I started to wonder what the deal is with my love of quotes and I realize it’s really just an extension of three other things I love:

1. Words
2. Humor
3. Wisdom

I’ve always been a word nerd. My dad was a journalism major with a masters in English. One of his brothers and his sister were journalism majors. I was a journalism major in college and have friends still working as writers. More than words (don’t start singing it!), I love a good turn of a phrase, which is why I tend to admire even goofy lyricists.

David Lee Roth wrote the lyric once, “And the meek shall inherit shit,” which to this day makes me laugh for no apparent reason.

I stumped an entire college English department when I asked them to tell me what you call two words that are spelled the same but sound different and have different meanings: i.e. wound (an injury) and wound (past tense of wind). I got that from a lyric too.

Language is fascinating to me because it is a living entity. In the movie Stargate, James Spader said, “It hasn’t been a living spoken language in over 1000 years” in describing an ancient language found on another planet. That always struck me as amazing that a language could die unless it is used. See, I can even come up with a quote for THAT! It’s a sickness, I tells ya’.

Humor is also an important part of who I am. My dad knew seemingly every good joke ever told and he loved telling them. He also loved hearing new one’s and retelling them over and over. My whole family has a good sense of humor and there are days when I’m kinda funny too. Shut up.

Lastly, wisdom is something that interests me. I really don’t care too much about rote knowledge. I like trivial knowledge because it is mostly worthless and a huge drain on my time, but the basic bricks and mortar of how things work is pretty boring for me. But, if there is wisdom in it, particularly something that strikes me as clever or poignant, it has my rapt attention.

Put the three together in any combination and you can get some pretty amazing quotes. Things like:

“Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.”

“It’s good to have a loving, caring, close knit family…in another city.”

“If everything you’ve ever done is wrong, the opposite must be right.”

“You can go to hell. As for me, I’m going to Texas.”

“You motor boating son of a bitch. You old sailor!”

“Rock stars. Is there anything they don’t know?”

All great quotes that I love. There are hundreds more. What makes them great is context. If you can figure out how to fit them into a conversation where they actually make sense, BONUS! Sure, it will annoy the hell out of some people, but those it doesn’t will find you infinitely fascinating. They won’t, but you can tell yourself they do and it will be easier because you have a snappy comeback for them if they gripe.

Of course, quoting every line of a movie or tv show as it is rolling might make someone want to punch you in the throat, so you may want to tone that down a bit, but, otherwise quote your ass off. Not literally, cause that would hurt.

Gimme some of your favorite quotes. Maybe I’ll use them and not give you any credit! And there’s nothing you could do to stop me because they don’t have verbal plagiarism laws, do they, smart guy? Sorry, what?

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19th March
2009
written by Jeff

Every Thursday, I post about the things that I love, and God only knows what those things might be.

Milo HamiltonNo, this isn’t some tribute to an odd indie band – maybe I have that wrong. And this isn’t about my love for baseball because I’m not really a big fan. This is about the soothing sounds of baseball on the radio.

Before you think I’ve retired and moved to Boca, let me explain.

Some days (or nights), I don’t want to listen to music. I hear it a lot. But, if I’m driving, I don’t just want silence either. That leaves me with conservative talk radio or sports. Being liberal (yeah, a commie pinko!) and a sports fan means I always choose the latter. Mindless talking heads yammering on about trades and random crap is pretty boring, but baseball isn’t.

To me, football and basketball are sports for watching – in person or on television. Golf is for tv viewing while napping on Sunday (everyone knows this). NASCAR is for being drunk and having sex with sheep. I think they shipped the NHL back to Canada or Russia or some country where it snows like 350 days a year. So, that leaves baseball.

On tv, baseball is damn boring. If I go to a game, I just want to eat a hot dog and eyeball the hot girls in the stands. What? At least I’m honest (and pervy – you know you love it, sicko)!

Few things, however, are more enjoyable and relaxing than a play-by-play announcer (like the Astros hall-of-famer, Milo Hamilton, pictured above) and his jovial color commentator. When I was a younger, I thought a “color” commentator was a derogatory term for Joe Morgan. Then, I realized that I’m retarded and that these are actually the guys that chime in with comments, scores, etc.

What’s great about this time-honored combo is the random banter they have throughout a game. In football and basketball, the action is usually too complex or fast paced to spend much time talking about anything other than the game. But, with the time between pitches, time between batters, ball scratching and arguments with the umpire, there is more than enough time to jabber incessantly about pretty much anything.

I remember reading that Chris Berman from ESPN once used every line from the song “Hotel California” to describe a game he was calling. I’m not sure if this is true, but I can totally see it. “I think they pink champagne’s on ice. I mean, they’re just prisoners of their own device out there.”

The best part of this interplay is the way the announcers intersperse comments and announcements with the actual game call. They sound something like this:

Announcer: One ball and two strikes to Lopez.
Color: You know, I never get tired of the hot dogs here at Minute Maid.
Announcer: That is quality ballpark food to be sure…that’s outside for ball two.
Color: I had a loaded chili dog earlier and it was mighty tasty.
Announcer: [pause – crowd murmur in the background]
Announcer: Is that what I smell? Foul tap down the right side.
Color: [chuckle]
Announcer: The Kiwanis Club of Kingwood is in the stands…WHOA! Look out. Somebody got a souvenir on that foul ball.
Color: And a concussion…
Announcer: Hopefully, the Kiwanis Club isn’t in section 103 today.

I absolutely LOVE that stuff. It’s even more exaggerated at spring training games where only a few hundred people show up and they’re in some little town like Alligator Mom, Florida or Desert’s Asshole, Arizona. You can hear fans yelling stuff from the stands and there is rarely a seven-second delay so the announcers just have to cover for it.

It’s relaxing. It’s funny and, let’s face it, it’s good, clean all American fun if that includes steroids and sex with strippers, and you KNOW it does.

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12th March
2009
written by Jeff

Every Thursday, I post about the things that I love, and God only knows what those things might be.

Recently, I’ve posted a few times about various sexual aides. On Thursdays, I write about things I love and while there aren’t any sexual aides I love (including you, Jenna Jamison molded vagina), I do love my friends, particularly friends like Hala who decided to send me a photo of the cream below in the hopes I might blog about it, which I’m totally going to do.

So, here I present to you Sure Grip, the vagina tightening cream.

Sure Grip

Where to start…where to start. I’m not going to talk about the ingredients in this concoction because I don’t know what they are and I don’t want to know. For all I know, it could contain whale semen and ground up squirrel bones, which is exactly what was in the penis enlarging cream I saw at this place in San Francisco. What?

Let me just make some observations about the packaging.

Sure Grip is a horrible name.

It sounds like super glue and, last time I checked, you don’t want your lady’s vagina holding onto your penis like how that welder’s hat was stuck to the beam leaving that poor guy hanging there in the old super glue commercial. Also, I’m not sure that a vagina that “grips” anything is necessarily a good idea unless you are a naked performer with the need for a special skill.

Tighten-Her Cream is an AWFUL tagline.

Mainly, this is just poor grammar. What’s with the dash? Who proofreads this stuff? Is it “TIGHTEN-HER cream” or “tighten-her CREAM?” The second one doesn’t even make sense unless you are talking about cooking and then why put this in a sex shop? For all I know by this tagline, she’s trying to whip up a feisty meringue to top off a lemon pie and she wants those peaks whipped to perfection. Oh, yeah, I bet she wants them whipped to perfection!

What is wrong with that guy’s hair?

Is it pulled back in a pony tail because he is some skeezy porn star or what? It has streaks in it too which are either highlights, light from the flash or impending baldness. I’m not sure which is worse. While I’m on the subject of this dude, what’s up with the Don Johnson ostrich egg blue short sleeved button down? I had a shirt like that in 1984 and I wore it with a white jacket with the sleeves pushed up. But, I was like 15 and mildly retarded, so I had an excuse.

The chick isn’t wearing a wedding ring.

In virtually every ad, women wear wedding rings. This supposedly is a subliminal message about her stability or some crap like that. They have studies that show women are more apt to buy things when the women in the ads wear wedding rings. Clearly, this product, though specifically for women’s anatomy, is not aimed at them. I’m sure most women could care less whether their vagina’s are virgintastic, but a guy might want to buy this if he is feeling less than confident about his own size, particularly if his nickname is needle dick.

“Tightens your vagina as if it were your First Time.”

Again with the poor grammar. Is “First Time” a holiday? Why is it capitalized? Honestly, ladies, do you want your vagina tightened like it was your first time? I’m no expert, but I’ve heard stories that the first time isn’t the most comfortable experience ever. I know women buy all sorts of crazy creams and ointments and even inject cobra venom into their faces (I’m fairly certain it’s cobra venom), but rubbing this stuff on your baby maker is probably not the first thing you are thinking of buying when they hit the Lancome counter at Macy’s.

“For that honeymoon fit.”

I don’t even know what that means. Are they suggesting that on your honeymoon, your wife’s vagina was so tight you thought she used a cream on it? Do they think your wife had a trainer for her vagina to make it “fit” before the wedding and, if so, what exactly did this trainer do? Or, maybe they saying that all women are virgins on their wedding nights? Um, sure.

Mainly, I’m picturing the conversation between husband and wife when he brings this home for her:

Husband: Hi, honey, I’m home.
Wife: Hello, dear. How was your day?
Husband: Good and yours?
Wife: Just wonderful.
Husband: I brought you home a surprise!
Wife: Really??? What is it? Diamonds? A trip to Fiji? A diamond-crusted ticket to Fiji?
Husband: Do they even make diamond-crusted tickets?
Wife: Nevermind. What is it?
Husband: Close your eyes.
Wife: Ok.
Husband: Remember our honeymoon?
Wife: In Scranton? Yes, I remember.
Husband: Nevermind Scranton. Remember our wedding night?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Remember how tight your vagina was?
Wife: Um, what?
Husband: Seriously, remember?
Wife: WTF?
Husband: Now, you can have that honeymoon fit vagina all over again!
Wife: (opening eyes)

At this point, I imagine she stabs him in the genitals with a fork and threatens to rub Sure Grip on his asshole. Then there would be crying and biting and fluorescent lights would flicker and blood curdling screams would emanate throughout the house. But, then again, I tend to think of marriage like a Japanese horror film, so maybe that’s something I should work on.

Just for clarification on the Things I Love, does not include Sure Grip, however, it does include photos of Sure Grip sent to me from friends.

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5th March
2009
written by Jeff

Every Thursday, I post about the things that I love, and God only knows what those things might be.

GalagaGrowing up in the 70’s, I got to witness the beginning of the video game revolution first hand. I played Pong when it came out thinking that this floating white square might be the coolest thing I had ever seen. I owned an original Atari and had those little hand held video games that were made entirely of little blinking red LED lights.

I went to the corner store to play Asteroids (badly) and, ultimately, poured quarters (and tokens when the arcades got smart enough to force you to use the whole dollar) into games at the arcade.

I played a lot of games at that arcade – Defender, Centipede, Pac Man, Ms. Pac Man, Stargate, Dig Dug, Missile Command, the list is long. On most, I was average, but there was one game in which I excelled: Galaga.

Last year, I went down to Joystix on a Friday night to get re-acquainted with some old friends (no, not vodka). Shining back at me like a beacon in the bleary night was a beautiful Galaga arcade game. For years, I’ve sworn that one day I’m going to own an original Galaga upright video game just because.

I needed only a single quarter to hit the high score and I hadn’t played Galaga in at least 5 or 6 years.

By the time I was done, my forearm was cramping. Being out of video game shape is very similar to being out of game shape in pro sports except that instead of rock hard abs, endurance and, you know, talent, you need a forearm like Popeye and a stomach lining made of lead to endure the hours of shitty nachos, stale popcorn and flat fountain drinks you’ll consume while destroying your vision in a dark, dank arcade. It’s like being a super hero and your power is social awkwardness.

Sure, your hand eye coordination will improve, but not for anything other than pretty lights on a screen. This might come in handy if you need to swat at a fly that lands on your television screen. Otherwise, it’s pretty useless, but it doesn’t matter because Galaga is awesome and you can suck my Challenge Stage with two ships if you don’t like it.

A little Galaga humor to end my post. Hope you enjoyed it and, if you did, I really wouldn’t admit it to the general public.

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26th February
2009
written by Jeff

Every Thursday, I post about the things that I love, and God only knows what those things might be.

Cake!Lots of things in this world can bring you pleasure – great music, vacation, sex with prostitutes, crack. It’s all part of the rainbow of life. For me, on the short list of things that make me happy is cake.

Not only is it sweet and delicious, but it makes you feel special, like it’s your birthday any day you eat it, and who doesn’t love that!?

When I was a kid, my favorite was chocolate. I still really enjoy a good chocolate devil’s food cake with chocolate icing. I particularly like the devil’s food because I like feeling as if I’m eating something prepared by Satan himself. There’s a comforting feeling knowing the Prince of Darkness got his claws in a mixing bowl and whipped a little dessert just for me. It’s sweet really.

But, my favorite of all is white cake with white icing. This is not a racial thing. I don’t think you should keep black and white separate. In fact, I encourage interracial cakes. Hell, marblize those bastards even. Power to the batter, bitches.

Anyway, white cake with white icing is just fantastic. Don’t leave me near a plain wedding cake or I’ll eat the whole damn thing and even lick the little bride and groom…and the cake topper too – AHTHANKYOU!

Sheet cakes are usually made this way, although I don’t like the whipped cream icing nearly as much as the buttercream. In fact, as my ex-wife will attest, I went through a “sheet cake phase” where I randomly brought home sheet cakes from the store and ate them a little at a time right from the box. That was the summer I gained 75 pounds, suffered a triple coronary and smelled of fondant. Terrifying.

Other cakes high on my list include red velvet, angel food cake (my grandmother made the best version of this), ice cream cake and cheesecake, though that’s more like a pie, but I’m not going to quibble over sugar.

It should be noted that I also love cupcakes. Look, if I love a good sheet cake, why would I discriminate against its tiny little offspring. While I don’t make a practice of eating it regularly, I’m not opposed to veal or lamb, so why would I be adverse to eating baby cakes – and no, that is not the name of a stripper I met in Vegas.

Truth is, that wonderful combination of sugar and flour is hard to beat when it comes to dessert. Sure, ice cream is yummy, chocolate is decadent, pastries are tasty, pies are nom and tarts are tartastic, but cake will always remain king of the dessert heap, even the King Cake they have for Mardis Gras even though it has that crazy plastic baby inside destined to lodge in your throat and kill you if it doesn’t first come to life and stab you in the eyeball.

It’s just like that movie, Chucky Takes the Cake. Ok, maybe not.

Photo by groovehouse.

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