Things You Buy for $100

I don’t go to a ton of concerts that require me using Ticketmaster or Live Nation to acquire tickets. But, on occasion, like going to see Wilco in Dallas on October 8, I have to venture into the great, evil abyss.

Today, I purchased my tickets for Wilco at $30 each (a very reasonable amount) and paid $84. Did I get a discount on three tickets? Uh, no. I paid $24 in fees you can see below:

Tax I get. Order processing fee – printing and mailing the tickets – I also get. I could see paying an additional $5 or even $10 for this service even though it actually costs MORE for me to print my tickets myself and LESS to have them shipped to me in 7 business days (WTF?). But, $8.60 PER TICKET for “convenience charges???” What the hell is convenient about that?

I know Live Nation is doing fee-free Wednesdays. Great. But, these are probably going to sell out fairly quickly, so I don’t have much choice.

It sucks for the band too because they don’t get a nickel of this and they probably even have to give Ticketmaster a cut of ticket sales. What a scam.

Leave it to me to sell my house, three blocks from Ghetto Kroger, and move into a place three blocks from Zombie Kroger.

Why do I call it Zombie Kroger, you ask (I know you asked, so don’t pull that “I didn’t ask” bullshit. We both know that you did!)? I call it that because the clientele appears to mostly be older than the average corpse and moves even slower.

I don’t like to shop there, but I stop by since it is close on occasion. Here are the five reasons I should NOT routinely stop by Zombie Kroger – and why you should avoid it altogether.

What the hell kind of food is that and why is it there?

See that bottle of weird blue liquid? When I reached in to grab a couple bottles of Deja Blue water, apparently, I got one bottle of that blue shit too. First, what the hell is that? Is it like the blood of an Oompa Loompa? Did someone bottle unicorn pee?

Second, why in the name of sweet blue unicorn pee do you put that on the same shelf in the refrigerated case with water that has a blue bottle? If I wanted the nectar of some made up fruit from Narnia, I’d call Aslan and tell him to ship me a crate.

And, while I’m at it, why would you put all the cat food EXCEPT THE IAMS at one end of the aisle with the two sections of cat food separated by hundreds of bags of dog food? What genius thought that good food for cats should sit on two shelves 15 feet from the Kibbles and Shit?

Check it out…or not.

During the day, you would be lucky to find more than two lanes open at any given time. Normally, that wouldn’t be an issue, but when you have a store full of octogenarians who often buy food together and pay by check, you end up with issues. I was in line last week behind two women who had one cart of stuff divided into five separate batches of food that all had to be checked out separately and paid for with different payment types. Fortunately for them, every batch was fewer than 15 items so, naturally, they were in the express lane.

While I’m on the topic of express lanes and strange customers, when I was there tonight, a manager opened an extra express lane, but blocked it off with a sign and shut off the numbered lamp as the store got less busy so he could go back to whatever it is managers do. No one seemed to care. Several people – one woman pushing 90 wearing a full girl scout uniform (scout’s fucking honor!) – just walked around the sign and got in line.

Finally, since there are at least a few normals that shop here, how about a self checkout stand. I realize this could be an unmitigated disaster since many of the folks in the store probably don’t even know how to use a remote control for a television, but maybe try an experiment for those of us who do.

How about you widen the aisles or something?

I feel for the older folks who come in there on a regular basis and the many disabled as well. The aisles are so narrow, they barely fit one person at a time let alone a person, his zip scooter, an oxygen tank and the oversized nurse helping him shop.

It also doesn’t help that the store is often populated with some really odd characters who seem to stand and stare for what seems like hours at toothpaste or milk or tampons. One guy tonight was in an aisle when I walked into the store and still in the same spot when I left. I assume he was comparing the price of canned peaches to determine if Dole had enough nutritional value to justify losing the ten cents off coupon he had for Libby’s, but what the hell do I know?

Departments are more like compartments.

Speaking of small, what made them think that a customer service desk the size of a toll booth was big enough for the dozens who want to cash their social security checks twice a month? And I really hope you don’t want a birthday cake (you don’t!) from the bakery since the counter space is smaller than the jewelry display case my ex-wife and I used to haul to shows all over Texas (yeah, I sold jewelry…you wanna make something of it?).

I’m just saying that if your meat department offers only two cuts of beef and one of them is “ground,” that isn’t exactly what I’d call a wide selection. Just something to consider.

Which way do I park?

Finally, what kind of crazy bastard designed this parking lot? Angled parking is fine. It’s not the smartest way to go for traffic, but with all the giant ass cars people drive around, it’s probably a necessity.

However, don’t have the parking angled BOTH WAYS IN THE SAME LANE!!! I don’t have to do a million dollar traffic flow study to tell you that a lane that is really only big enough for one-and-a-half cars and has angled parking going in both directions is going to be a freaking disaster.

Now, add that parking to a lot where a LOT of very old and disabled people park. It’s like putting all compact car spaces at Whole Foods for all the Hummers – oh, right, they do that too.

Ingress and egress needs to be ultra easy when you have a bunch of people with cataracts driving giant Oldsmobuicks. It’s science.

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I’m not a grocery store expert even though my four years of work at Kroger in high school does qualify me for upper management at Food City, but I can tell you that Zombie Kroger is terrifying, even more so than Ghetto Kroger and that is saying something.

A lot has changed for me in the past two months. I’m living in a new house. I lost a cat (sadly). I paid off my debts. I ate a block of cheese in one sitting. I became a ninja. I fired a shotgun in your general direction.

But, of FAR greater importance than any of these – and much more important than my discovery that I am telepathic (I know what you are thinking and, no, it is NOT ok to do that with hamsters!) – is the two new additions to my family. Not pets. Not children (God help me). Not even more women for my harem.

No, it’s an iPhone and a MacBook Pro.

I’m an Apple guy (especially the granny smiths, nyuk nyuk) and, despite that, I had long resisted the move to the iPhone. Let’s just say I had a negative experience with a Blackberry. I would not recommend trying to eat one of those, fyi.

To complicate matters, my business partner and I were seemingly locked into a contract with T-Mobile even though he had no cell service at his house and I had virtually none in my new place. After much discussion and work by my business partner – thanks go to the folks in T-Mobile customer service as well – we wrangled our way out of the contract and I immediately went to an iPhone.

I have to tell you that it really has altered how I do things. Getting mail on my phone, using Twitter, sending messages are all significantly easier with this phone. Maybe even more importantly, the iPhone is the best cell phone I have ever owned by a very wide margin. It’s really not even close. It’s got a super loud earpiece, a completely intuitive interface and voicemail recorded directly on the phone.

The apps are a whole other ballgame. I can’t really even begin to describe just how many cool apps are available on this thing, but it’s mind boggling and completely awesome.

Many people told me it would change my life and, frankly, I didn’t believe them. But, after only a couple weeks with the phone, I’m a convert…to Buddhism and the iPhone. Namaste.

My new MacBook Pro is really a business expense. My wonderful MacBook I bought in 2006 has been struggling of late and it was time for an upgrade. With the sale of the house, one of my planned purchases was a new laptop and a large monitor to use when I’m working in my office.

By going with the 13″ MacBook Pro, I saved money and got a more portable machine and, in this case, size doesn’t matter when you’ve got a big, thick, hard, 23″ monitor on your desk. Wait, you weren’t thinking about penises were you? Good LORD, you are nasty.

Anyway, the combo of the laptop, the monitor and a new Airport Express (mine was almost 6 years old), it’s like having a completely different experience, particularly on the web where everything is faster and easier to use.

In a way, it’s like Steve Jobs is living with me giving me mini keynote addresses every day, which is really stupid and I wish he would quit. I mean, come on, Steve! Do you really have to talk THAT much? I stopped listening like three days ago.

My point is that Apple rules and you drool and you know it’s totally the truth!

Since I’m back to blogging, it seems only (super)natural that I get back in the swing of things by talking about something stupid weird bizarre pretty much totally normal for me, in this case, a vampire dildo.

I know a lot of you ladies love you some Twilight what with the teenage angst, the heavy makeup and the eternal death motif, but do you really want a silicon vampire schlong this close to your “love-cave-between-my-legs?”

Probably not, but the description alone is worth checking it out.

JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn’t love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That’s what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won’t be the only thing coming for you in the night.

Yes, just in time for Halloween because it’s not enough to get dressed up like a smelly pirate hooker, you also need to go home and screw yourself silly with a pink vampire wee wee. It’s the most white trashiest time of the year, apparently.

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon’s glow.

Oh sure, that’s “flesh tone” if you just disconnected it from My Little Pony. Just in case it’s been a while since you’ve seen one, the average male member is not hot pink and almost never shimmers with glitter. Maybe that one time in San Francisco, but that’s for another time.

And did anyone else find it funny how they capitalized “Sire” as if he’s a real person hovering over the computer of this PR person while she writes about a fake plastic wang? I guess she could be British and talking about Prince Charles, but that would be even creepier, so I’m going to forget I even considered that. You should too, unless you like that sort of thing. God, you’re so weird!

Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.

Nice reference to twilight without infringing on copyright. I can do it too!

“Count” your blessings, ladies. This thing will leave you so breathless, you’ll need Vlad the Inhaler (sold separately).

Which, by the way, would make a killer merchandising item for the Twilight crew. They could get some Primatene Mist, spray paint them black and sell them at Hot Topic! You’re welcome, Twilight producers!

But, back to the pink plastic missile of the un-dead. Do you really want a sex toy that sparkles in the sunlight? It’s not like you are taking it to the park to enjoy after a picnic of hot dogs, cucumbers, pickles and carrots…or maybe you are. You FREAK! I’m SO impressed. How YOU doin’?

Via Geekologie

My house is a very very very very fine house. I’ve lived her for 14 years, but it is time for me to move out and let some other lucky soul have a crack at it.  I fully intend to remain in the neighborhood because it rocks the mic like a vandal and waxes the chumps like a candle, bizyotch.

There was a point when I swore the only way you’d get me out of this house was in a box, but then again there was a time I swore I would never cut my hair, never eat meat and never have sex for money. Things change!

Below are the basic details as well as a more detailed description you won’t get from a realtor or from the HAR description. If you know anyone interested, please let me or my realtor know. Thank you!

MLS Listing: http://search.har.com/engine/dispSearch.cfm?mlnum=99021074
My photo set: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeffbalke/sets/72157618602855486/
Agent: Jeffrey Morrison – 713.516.2730 (Suzanne Anderson Properties)
MLS# 99021074
Listing Price: $239,900
1118 Alexander – 77008
Houston Heights

Please note that the agent also happens to be a friend of mine and a really good guy, so feel free to have folks call him about this listing or even if they are looking to sell themselves.

The House:

It’s bigger than you think – over 1600 feet. The upstairs is cool converted attic perfect for a spare bedroom or ready for someone to remodel into a master suite.  The kitchen is gigantic for a Heights house with tons of counter top and cabinet space.  The laundry room is actually a second BIG bedroom. The back den is massive and was probably originally a sleeping porch.  It has original boxcar siding walls and is built like a tank.  The whole house gets amazing light from all the windows – particularly in the back.

The center raised dining area with the open space between the living room and the den makes the whole thing feel like an open floor plan – especially the french doors that separate the den and the dining area.

The a/c unit cools well in the house and the heater/furnace heats well.  I keep window units in the bedroom and living room just to help save on energy costs, but they definitely are NOT necessary.

The front porch might be my favorite place – typical Heights hang. It even still has hooks from where a porch swing used to hang and can again.

It’s a great house.  A lot of love has gone into it and it deserves an owner who will appreciate it.

The Garage Apartment:

This is 600 square feet and built from the ground up by the previous owner. It has a bathroom with a shower and a small hot water heater.  The rooms are divided into two small rooms originally used for massage rooms when my ex-wife and I did that for a living. I’ve used it since as a rehearsal space and it’s perfect for a workshop or office. It has separate electrical from the house, a central a/c heater unit that needs a new blower motor, but otherwise is great. The floors are steel re-inforced concrete so it’s sturdy.

It also has it’s own alarm system and a massive attic that spans the length and width of the building.

The Yard:

The yard is amazing. It’s all native plants – no grass – which means it needs ZERO watering EVER. Whatever grows in the yard has had to survive so it’s perfect for Houston.  It’s even been certified nationally and in Texas as a backyard wildlife habitat.

There are a half dozen pecan trees, a beautiful oak in the front yard that was only 10 feet high when I moved in and a lovely Chinese Elm right by the street.

The rose bushes in front of the bedroom grow like nuts and the vines on the picket fence (yup, the only white picket fence on the street – classic bungalow living) are purple trumpet vines that bloom twice a year like the huge hibiscus. Other front yard bloomers include the bridal’s wreath bush, the vitex and the firecracker bushes, which attract a LOT of humming birds in the fall.

In the back, it’s lush with a screened in gazebo that probably needs re-screening.  Inside the gazebo are electrical outlets, a celing fan and running water with a sink – perfect for hanging out.  The whole back yard has winding paths and even a small concrete pond with a wooden bridge over it. There is a wood deck that looks over the whole thing.

There’s a small greenhouse on top of a pea gravel poured area behind the garage apartment next to a covered overhang that has a potting bench and an outside closet.  It’s a gardener’s dream.

The Neighborhood:

It’s a prime location in the AWESOME Houston Heights (I intend to remain in the hood, myself) about 2 blocks from Shepherd and 11th Street.  You can walk to Java Java or Dragon Bowl for food or even to Kroger for groceries.  Take a bike and you can get pretty much anywhere in the Heights quickly especially with the new hike and bike trail that just opened 2 blocks away on Nicholson.

It’s a block from Love Elementary (an HISD exemplary school) and Love Park, which has a nice paved jogging track, a swimming pool and a great gym for basketball if you are in a league.

Oh, and if you feel like a longer jog, from the back door down to 12th, over the Heights, up to 20th and back is EXACTLY 3 miles!

Neighbors

This is the part I’ll miss the most.  The Heights can be sketchy from street to street, but my neighbors are the freaking best.  The next door neighbors are the best anyone could ask for.  Mike is an electrician and amazing handy man (he has done a bunch of projects on this house including putting up the white picket fence in the front) and his wife, Donna, makes the best fudge you will ever eat in your life.  Everyone in the immediate vacinity is just fantastic.

Oh, and they all love animals.  You’ll see raccoons, opossums, squirrels, all kinds of birds and, yes, like the rest of the Heights, a few stray kitties that the neighbors all feed and who help to keep the mice population to a minimum.