Posts Tagged ‘mp3’

Just got this from my iPod in response to the letter I wrote it. Sigh.

Jeff,

What did you think would happen? I mean, you go from playing me very rarely to nearly 32 hours non-stop on your trip to Iowa and playing jazz in the subway in New York to nothing again to now back on the jogging trail. What is your deal?

Suddenly, after this up and down interest and outright neglect, I’m supposed to just show up and be everything you want, perform for you when you ask? I’m not programmed that way, Jeff.

Plus, YOU are the one that fills me up with 70’s light rock. I was made like 2 years ago. You think my generation gives a crap about fucking Pablo Cruise and the goddamn Little River Band? I keep spinning up Tom Petty and Carol King hoping you’ll get some taste and stop wasting my time with this bullshit.

I’m sorry, but you don’t keep me clean – I’ve got nasty sweaty fingerprints all over me from your “running” – you have ratty ass earbuds that sound like shit and you click through songs like a kid with ADD who just ate a bunch of pixie sticks. I’m more mature than you are and you’ve got 37 years on me!

I should mention you don’t charge me enough and you bounce me around like I’m some dog’s chew toy. You simply don’t treat me well, so you shouldn’t be surprised when I don’t work right in the dock of your stereo or freeze up when you try to connect me to a strange computer. I’m not a machine, Jeff. Ok, I am, but you know what I mean, damnit.

As for music, I’m the one who pulls up Arcade Fire and Led Zeppelin and the other moderate amount of cool stuff you put on me. I’m not the one who decided to put Britney Spears on me. BRITNEY FUCKING SPEARS, Jeff! And don’t give me some horse shit about someone else adding that. You know I’ve only been with you. What’s next, Jeff? Kelly Clarkson? Jessica Simpson? Taylor fucking Swift???

And don’t think for a second about leaving me for that iPod touch whore. Oh, sure, she’s all new and bigger than me and comes with updated software. But, that bitch will never love you like I have. You think she’s going to know when you need a dose of reality or a gentle reminder of who you are? You think she’ll play “Boxing” by Ben Folds when you are feeling bittersweet or dig up the Foo Fighters “Walking After You” when you are in love? Of course she won’t, but you know why? Because she doesn’t know you.

Oh, and don’t be surprised when she leaves you for the first cool kid who decides to put Iron and Wine or the mother fucking Animal Collective on her circuit boards. Yeah, she likes the indie. I bet you didn’t know that.

Besides, if she comes near you, I’m cracking that bitch’s “silky touch screen” with my metal chassis and then I’m cramming an earbud down your throat. You just watch yourself, Balke. Nobody runs out on nano. NOBODY!

Love,

iPod

P.S. Thanks for updating my software the other day. You’re a peach sometimes…and a bastard the rest of the time.

Um, ok. Wow.

Dear iPod,

Hey, buddy. This may seem a little weird what with the fact that you are sitting next to me on the chair. You’re probably all, “Dude, what are you doing? I’m right HERE!!!”

But, see, iPod, that’s the problem. I feel like you don’t know me anymore – like there is this great distance between us and I’m trying to figure out what happened.

I’ve felt it for a while, but I really noticed today when I went for my second run of the day. Normally, you spin up just what I need to hear when I set you to shuffle. Until recently, I trusted you with my song choices so much so that I stopped making playlists. But, today it was so apparent how apathetic you’d grown, that I almost started picking my own songs. I was feeling defiant and I wanted rock stuff that would give me energy. What I got was 70’s light rock and jazz. Ok, I may have let “Sister Golden Hair” slide, but I like that song.

Then, you must have figured out from my song selection of Foo Fighters and that song by that band you’ve never heard of that I found on MySpace that I wanted some rock. You could’ve spun up some modern stuff like The Killers or maybe Juliana Theory or The Raconteurs, but no. You pull up Dokken and Yngwie Malmsteen? Were you mocking me?

I know I probably shouldn’t even have those on the iPod but I made a hair band mix for the band road trip as a joke and forgot to delete them. You KNOW this. If you paid attention to my feelings and weren’t trying to be such a smart ass, you would know that. Before this change, you would’ve, at worst, played “Live Wire” or “Too Young to Fall in Love” by Motley Crue, which would’ve been perfectly acceptable.

I just don’t get it, iPod. Just because I have Seals & Crofts or England Dan and John Ford Coley on there doesn’t mean I want them to play all the time. At the very least, split the difference and give me some Son Volt or even the Black Crowes. I’m sure “Remedy” is on there, right? You could give me some Long Winters or even Guster. You always seemed to be fond of “Satellite,” right?

And what’s the deal with all the quirky pop you’ve been pulling up lately? I love XTC and ELO, but I don’t want all of their songs in rapid succession, especially when I’m trying to get some energy. “Scarecrow People” and “I’m Alive” may work for before a gig or on a drive, but I’m jogging here!

Did I do something? Was it something I downloaded? Maybe I’ve put too much strain on you with all the different genres of music. I know it must be tough to go from The Decemberists to Wayne Shorter to Prince to Albert Collins, but that’s just how I roll and you should know that by now.

Sure, Elvin Bishop may not mix with Rush for most people, but you know me, iPod, or at least I thought you did. Remember when I felt depressed or introspective and you’d know just what to play? You’d pull up “Your Heart is an Empty Room” by Death Cab or the Damnwells’ “Heartbreak List.” You might give me Jonatha Brooke’s beautiful acoustic version of “Eye in the Sky” or Wilco’s “What Light.”

You made me laugh with Paul Thorn’s “A Great Day to Whoop Someone’s Ass” and David Lee Roth’s “Elephant Gun.” You even knew when to set a mood with Al Green or Zero 7 or Bebel Gilberto.

There was never a need for a playlist, just the shuffle function and the trust we shared.

I still care about you, iPod. I just feel this distance growing between us and that doesn’t count the extra long cord on my ear buds. It’s so frustrating because the end result is “Xanadu,” the ELO song, not the live 10-minute Rush anthem, though I’m not sure which is worse at this point to be totally honest.

Maybe you are over me. Maybe you need to find some new owner who will fill you with new songs and the promise of better days ahead.

I’ll be honest, iPod. It’s been tough for me too. As much as I care about you, you aren’t the only media player on the block. There’s an iPod Touch that has been eying me for a while and it’s getting harder and harder to resist her sweet wi-fi and silky smooth touch screen. She seems to get me like you used to and she’s not afraid to try new things, like video or cool new apps, the kind of thing you think is waste of memory.

I want this to work, iPod. I really do. But, I need more from you and I don’t think I’m asking for too much. Let me know how you feel and we’ll play on from there.

Love,

Jeff

P.S. I don’t know who put that Britney Spears song on there even though it is the perfect tempo for running. But, seriously, it wasn’t me.