Posts Tagged ‘sex toy’
Since I’m back to blogging, it seems only (super)natural that I get back in the swing of things by talking about something stupid weird bizarre pretty much totally normal for me, in this case, a vampire dildo.
I know a lot of you ladies love you some Twilight what with the teenage angst, the heavy makeup and the eternal death motif, but do you really want a silicon vampire schlong this close to your “love-cave-between-my-legs?”
Probably not, but the description alone is worth checking it out.
JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn’t love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That’s what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won’t be the only thing coming for you in the night.
Yes, just in time for Halloween because it’s not enough to get dressed up like a smelly pirate hooker, you also need to go home and screw yourself silly with a pink vampire wee wee. It’s the most white trashiest time of the year, apparently.
The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon’s glow.
Oh sure, that’s “flesh tone” if you just disconnected it from My Little Pony. Just in case it’s been a while since you’ve seen one, the average male member is not hot pink and almost never shimmers with glitter. Maybe that one time in San Francisco, but that’s for another time.
And did anyone else find it funny how they capitalized “Sire” as if he’s a real person hovering over the computer of this PR person while she writes about a fake plastic wang? I guess she could be British and talking about Prince Charles, but that would be even creepier, so I’m going to forget I even considered that. You should too, unless you like that sort of thing. God, you’re so weird!
Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.
Nice reference to twilight without infringing on copyright. I can do it too!
“Count” your blessings, ladies. This thing will leave you so breathless, you’ll need Vlad the Inhaler (sold separately).
Which, by the way, would make a killer merchandising item for the Twilight crew. They could get some Primatene Mist, spray paint them black and sell them at Hot Topic! You’re welcome, Twilight producers!
But, back to the pink plastic missile of the un-dead. Do you really want a sex toy that sparkles in the sunlight? It’s not like you are taking it to the park to enjoy after a picnic of hot dogs, cucumbers, pickles and carrots…or maybe you are. You FREAK! I’m SO impressed. How YOU doin’?
I read on a blog the other day that the Swine Flu was actually a bioterror weapon distributed by the US government so they could force everyone to take mind controlling drugs hidden in immunizations that would allow them to impose martial law. That makes a LOT of sense to me given how effective the Swine Flu has been at rendering us all deathly ill and giving us hooves and snouts.
When the next Y2K attack happens, a hurricane hits, martial law is imposed or the rapture happens, you’ll want to be prepared. Stock up on canned goods and water, bury your money in the backyard and, most importantly, get an eco-friendly vibrator that doesn’t need batteries.
Where, you ask, could I find such a wonderful invention? Well, I’ll tell you, right HERE.
The Earth Angel is just such a device – a vibrator made from 100% recycled material and powered by a hand crank. In just four short minutes, you’ll get half an hour of pleasure. Crank for eight minutes and get a full HOUR! It’s like magic!
And it’s a good thing it will run for an hour because once you are done cranking for eight minutes, you won’t have the use of your hand for at least that long!
I’m guessing they named the device after the 50′s song of the same name by the Crew-Cuts. After all, look at these guys. When you look at them, isn’t the first thing that comes to mind putting a big (recycled)plastic schlong in your vagina?
Plus, these lyrics:
Earth angel, earth angel
Will you be mine
My darling dear
Love you all the time
I’m just a fool
A fool in love with you
If they said “Love you LONG time,” it would be a match made in…well…heaven.
But, please don’t confuse the Crew-Cuts with the 80′s band The Cutting Crew, although their song “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” could refer to the heart attack your girlfriend suffers after eight minutes of cranking her vibrator.
For around a hundred bucks, you will never have to worry about going without an orgasm when the power goes out. Sure, you COULD stock up on batteries or, you know, have sex (LOL! Yeah, I thought that was funny too!), but what good will that do you when the zombies have taken over the Kroger or when you are stuck in that yurt living off berries and gopher meat during the long nuclear winter?
See, when no one else is thinking of your vagina, I am. You can thank me later.
I recently alerted you all to the amazing totally creepy dental innovation known as the Blow Guard. In an effort to make your sex even sexier, I have something just as good: the dildo lamp.
When I was married, my ex and I used to hide things from our families when they would visit. It’s bad enough to have the books on Wicca or The Joy of Sex sitting on the bookshelf, but it’s just creepy when your mom says, “You have the Madonna sex book? Can I see it?” which totally happened by the way.
Like any self-respecting, mildly degenerate children of suburban middle class families do, we pretended to be normal even though the whole exercise smelled like potpourri and shame.
If only we had the dildo lamp, we could have hid our sex toys in plain sight. See, the dido lamp is a pseudo stylish lamp with a hidden compartment. But, instead of hiding gold bullion or priceless jewels, you hide a giant plastic schlong.
Who doesn’t need one of these? Instead of turning on your “Heart Light” every night as Neil Diamond suggested, you can turn on your cock light and let it shine wherever you go if by wherever you mean the safety of your own bedroom, living room, basement or dungeon. What’s even more awesome (or pathetic and sad; you choose) is the fact that the lamp changes color when the dildo is removed just in case you need to let your lover know that the party got started a little early tonight.
Of course, this is just a prototype on display as part of the exhibit: LOVE DESIGN – 20 Designers about LOVE at a gallery in Milan this April. The showcase includes designs that are “part of the Bibelot Sexual series where objects that seemed to be just for the home are in fact high-spirited objects of pleasure.” Next up, the anal beads curtain drawstring and the vagina toaster (or not).
What might be the most disturbing thing about this whole story is this photo:
What is this, a XXX bed and breakfast? Not only do we have the flowery padded headboard (admittedly, the padding could come in handy for you freaks) and the lovely lace frilly bed sheets, but there’s a bunch of glass shit just waiting to fall on your head and send you to the ER (try explaining that to the doctor) and one freaky little cherub dangling precariously over the bed suspended by some sort of black magic.
There in the center of the bed is a big blue dildo laying sadly on its side. Was this an artful choice by the photographer or did he just not want to offend the little naked cherub by pointing the phallus at him like a blue heat seeking missile of death?
Since this lamp is all about “design,” what is a cheesy 80′s chrome lamp doing in Martha Stewart’s bedroom? Shouldn’t there be some funky antique boudoir lamp with a tassled shade in this quaint little cottage disaster? And what the hell is up with that weak ass reproduction shabby chic night stand complete with imitation brass keyhole and no drawer pull? The lack of a pull on the drawer is probably why the woman who lives in this faux farmhouse suburban nightmare needs a dildo lamp in the first place since the respectable place to keep your sex toys is the night stand and you can’t do that when the damn drawer won’t open.
Oh, and will someone return that library copy of Little Women (the plastic dust jacket is a dead giveaway). I’m betting fines have reached at least a dollar by now.
I wish I was smart enough to come up with some of the crap people think up on a daily basis. Honestly, the Foreman Grill, the Flowbee, the human heart and now the Blow Guard.
I’m sure it’s very useful, but I have some questions about the ad:
First of all, isn’t Nick the Dick that guy with the foot-long schlong in Bachelor Party? I’m fairly certain it is. Aren’t they going to be sued for using his name without permission?
Second, why are they using the British spelling of “savour” and not “flavor?” Are they using some quasi-British-American hybrid language because, if so, I say, “Go back to Russia!” This is AMERICA. In America, you talk American and not some commie pinko half-breed language.
Third, how do you KNOW he’ll return the favour favor? Does the Blow Guard contain some magic serum that enters the bloodstream through the penis and causes a man to be unable to stop himself from performing oral sex on a woman or does it just mean he’ll tap you on the head this time before having his happy ending? Either way, I guess that’s an improvement for most women.
Lastly, what in the name of all that’s holy is that couple drinking? Sweet pink Jesus that looks nasty.
